Oscar Talk with Dustin Penner Part Deux

Last year former Los Angeles Kings’ player and 2 time Stanley Cup Champion Dustin Penner was kind enough to help me out with an article about him predicting the winners of the 87th annual Academy Awards.  With Penner’s natural humor and wit, I thought it would be a fun and entertaining article that Kings and movie fans could enjoy.  What I didn’t expect was for it to become my most popular article that I had written up to that point.  It was so successful that I was promoted to NHL Director for CaliSports News shortly after (Thanks Dustin!) and the rest … well is still to be determined but it is has been an amazing ride so far.

Here we are a year later and when the nominees for this year’s 88th Academy Awards were announced last month, I contacted Dustin and asked him if he would be interested in doing another article like the one we did last year?

Perfect! So with the 88th annual Academy Awards (aka The Oscars) happening tonight and like with many successful films from Hollywood and around the world, it’s time for the SEQUEL!!! So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our featured presentation … but before we actually do, Dustin and I had some complications with the production of this film … um I mean article during when he was trying to e-mail me his Oscar picks.

Dustin – “Email sent.”

Jeff – “Thank you so much Dustin!”

<Jeff checks his email account but finds nothing>

Jeff – “Hey Dustin, I didn’t get the email.”

Dustin – “Just resent it.”

<Jeff checks his email account again>

Jeff – “Nada.”

Dustin – “[FUZZY BUNNIES!] I spent a lot of time on it.  Hold on.”

Jeff – “No probs.”

<5 minutes later>

Dustin – “Check your junk mail.”

<Jeff looks in his junk mail but still finds nothing>

Jeff – “What address are you using?”

<Dustin responds>

Jeff – “Yeah that’s the right one. That is freaking weird. OH NO WE HAVE ANGERED THE OSCAR GODS!!!”

Dustin – “Lol! Hail Hydra!”

Jeff – “Hail Hydra!”

It seemed just like Robert Redford in Captain America : The Winter Soldier, this article was falling apart and crashing back down to Earth.

Then we thought of a solution and it saved the whole film … sorry, I mean article and I finally received his Oscar picks. So without further ado, we REALLY ARE now bringing to you our Featured Presentation!

But first some trailers!

 

OKAY NOW IT’S TIME FOR OUR FEATURED PRESENTATION! (FOR REALLY REALS! ROLL THE OPENING CREDITS!)

CALISPORTS NEWS PRESENTS

AN ARTICLE AND INTERVIEW BY JEFF DUARTE

STARRING DUSTIN PENNER IN

OSCAR TALK WITH DUSTIN PENNER PART DEUX : ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Hey Dustin, thanks for coming back and giving us your Oscar picks again.

You got it my man!

Did you actually see any of the nominated films this year?

I watched a few of them actually.

Okay perfect! Here we go! Which film wins the Oscar for Best Visual Effects?

• Star Wars : The Force Awakens
• Ex Machina
• Mad Max : Fury Road
• The Martian
• The Revenant

I’m picking “Ex Machina” because I forgot to look up on Instagram who the hot girl was that played the robot? Brb!

Oh that’s Alicia Vikander.  She’s also nominated in the Best Supporting Actress category and is in “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” with the guy that now play’s Superman, Henry Cavill. 

…

Dustin?

…

<Jeff quickly moves on with the next question>

Best Original Song in a Feature Film?

• “Earned It,” – Fifty Shades of Grey
• “Manta Ray,” – Racing Extinction
• “Simple Song # 3,” – Youth
• “Til It Happens To You,” – The Hunting Ground
• “Writing’s On The Wall,” – Spectre

<Dustin returns>

ANYTHING on my Soundcloud page.

Yeah I wouldn’t pick any of those songs either.  Best Animated Film?

• Anomalisa
• Boy And The World
• Inside Out
• Shaun The Sheep Movie
• When Marnie Was There

Anything Hentai.

Yeah I’m not going to put up a YouTube video of that. I personally would have picked Frozen’s “Let it go!” It’s a GENERATIONAL song that I feel should win every year! You know what I’m saying?

 <Starts singing> “LET IT GO! LET IT GOOO! CAN’T HOLD ME BACK ANYMORE! LET IT GO! LET IT GOOO! TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR!!!”

Haha, knock it off.

Okay sorry. Next question. Best director?

• Adam MaKay – The Big Short
• Lenny Abrahamson – Room
• Alejandro G. Inarritu – The Revenant
• George Miller – Mad Max : Fury Road
• Tom McCarthy – Spotlight 

Alejandro because that’s the name I use when I’m on vacation.

Wait what? Was that song “Alejandro” by Lady GaGa about you???

Well …

Never mind! Let’s move on!

Best Supporting Actress?

• Jennifer Jason Leigh – The Hateful Eight
• Rooney Mara – Carol
• Rachel McAdams – Spotlight
• Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl
• Kate Winslet – Steve Jobs

Alicia Vikander for “Ex Machina!”

Um no, she’s only nominated for “The Danish Girl” not “Ex Machina”

Kate Winslet then because her fake nudes look the realist.

Okay sure. Best Supporting Actor?

• Christian Bale – The Big Short
• Tom Hardy – The Revenant

Wait hold on, Bale and Hardy were Batman and Bane in Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Rises! 

Yes! They should fight for the award like they did in the movie.

Where were we? Oh right, best supporting actors!

• Mark Ruffalo – Spotlight

Hold on, Mark Ruffalo is “The Hulk” in the Marvel Cinematic Universe! What do you think of Ruffalo as “The Hulk?”

I think he’s great. What about you?

To me there is only him and Lou Ferrigno that can claim to be the real “Hulk!”

Amen.

• Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies
• Sylvester Stallone – Creed

I’m picking Sylvester Stallone because my loyalty runs deeper for him than the jungle he ventured into in Rambo!

Brilliant!

Okay, now to the BIG AWARDS! Best Actress?

• Cate Blanchett – Carol
• Brie Larson – Room
• Jennifer Lawrence – Joy
• Charlotte Rampling – 45 Years
• Saoirse Ronan – Brooklyn

Brie Larson because my mom used to dress me up as a girl too when I was young. See the picture below.

THAT IS HILARIOUS! GIVE ME A SECOND BECAUSE I’M LOSING MY MIND OVER HERE!

<Jeff takes his time to recompose himself. This takes awhile>

Okay I’m back and by the way my wife thinks that picture is adorable.  I love how that kid grew up to strike fear into Shane Doan and the Phoenix/Arizona Coyotes! Love it!  Okay, Best Actor?

• Matt Damon – The Martian
• Bryan Cranston – Trumbo
• Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant
• Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs
• Eddie Redmayne – The Danish Girl

I’m only picking Michael Fassbender because I thought Cranston’s work in “Kung Fu Panda 3” was better than his work in Trumbo.

I will have to agree but the dude that did Olaf’s voice in “Frozen” was better than both the works of Fassbender AND Cranston put together, AM I RIGHT???

I’m swiping right.

Ugh, not again.  Okay, time for the MAIN EVENT! Who wins the Academy Award for … <starts banging on the table for a drum roll> … BEST PICTURE!!!

• Mad Max : Fury Road
• Bridge of Spies
• The Big Short
• Brooklyn
• The Martian
• The Revenant
• Room
• Spotlight

<Drum roll … or in Penner’s case, EDM (not Edmonton) music! UNTZ! UNTZ! UNTZ! And the predicted winner is … )

The Martian because everything Matthew McConaughey can do, Matt Damon can do better!

And there you have it … wait a minute, Matt Damon? Speaking of Damon, why is it that he always needs to be saved in these films? In “Saving Private Ryan,” Tom Hanks and his platoon had to risk their lives and future families to rescue his ass behind dangerous Nazi enemy lines.  In “Interstellar,” he was stranded on a desolate planet that is not even in our solar system and cowardly tricked NASA to come and rescue him and now the goof needs to be rescued on Mars??? LIKE WHAT??? HE’S FREAKING JASON BOURNE! WHY DOESN’T HE JUST JASON BOURNE HIS WAY TO SAFETY INSTEAD OF RISKING THE LIVES OF INNOCENT PEOPLE ALL THE TIME THAT ARE FORCED TO SAVE HIS ASS??? WHY DO THEY EVEN ALLOW MATT DAMON TO LEAVE HIS HOUSE WHEN HE’S ONLY GOING TO GET LOST OR STRANDED SOMEWHERE FAR AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS???  IS HE EVEN WORTH SAVING AT ALL??? WELL IS HE???

Haha. Want the short answer?

YES PLEASE DUSTIN, TELL ME! THIS IS SERIOUSLY BOTHERING ME! IS IT WORTH RESCUING MATT DAMON ALL THE TIME EVEN THOUGH THESE RESCUE MISSIONS HAVE SACRIFICED SO MANY PEOPLE??? IS ONE MATT DAMON WORTH THAT MANY LIVES???

Yes.

Makes total sense to me! You truly are wise Mr. Penner! Well thank you once again Dustin for doing this!

Thank you but what site is this for again?

<Sighs> CaliSportsNews.com

That’s right. HAIL HYDRA!

HAIL HYDRA!